MuTEENy On The Booty: Older Boys Really Are
Scalawags
Greetings everyone and welcome to our continuing lecture series, DUH 101.
Please take your seats so we may get underway.
Today's topic is yet another groundbreaking study, funded by your hard earned,
yet easily pissed away tax dollars that has revealed something startling (don't
they all?): Older boys are a bad influence on younger girls.
May I hear a DUH from the audience? Thank you.
Yes, that's right, the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at
Columbia University has studied and confirmed what we lay parents have known
since Cro-Magnon teen Grok offered to show young Grokina his cave etchings -
that when it comes to older boys and their hold on younger females, they have
absolute power and absolute power does indeed corrupt, distract, impregnate,
abuse, and intoxicate absolutely.
Now before you get your knickers in a don't-paint-all-teen-boys-as-delinquents
twist, I acknowledge that there are some fine, upstanding young males out there
who are the exception. My guess is that they are the exception by virtue
of a parent or two who has not only raised them right, but has threatened to
remove their gonads through their nostrils, should they ever treat a paramour,
younger or not, with anything but care and respect. At least that would
be my approach if I had sons.
Come to think of it, it will still be my tactic when any boy comes to call on
my three daughters.
But back to the obvious findings of the survey. Let's take the overall
assessment, "girls who date boys two or more years older are much
more likely to be sexually active, and abuse drugs or alcohol."
Gee, really? Let's just use, for the sake of argument, a sweet sixteen
year old boy and a newly budding fourteen year old girl. I have brothers
and I can safely say that at there is nothing sweet about the thoughts of a
sixteen year old male. They are ruled by testosterone and those same
gonads I will surely have a jarred collection of one day. A fourteen year
old girl, on the other hand, has nothing but sweet, romantic, love me forever
thoughts. (While the male sector of the populace is not the most
enlightened representatives of our species, they are tuned in enough to quickly
learn what buttons to push in a female's heart.) The older boy, with even
moderately more experience than his younger prey, knows it takes only a few
passionate spit swapping sessions in his parent's car, combined with his
"pledge" of undying love, and someone's panties will slide right off
like butter on a hot griddle.
That older boy also has access to places she might not normally go, by virtue
of driver's license induced mobility. Friends' homes while parents are
away, parties where alcohol and drugs flow as freely as sperm in a wet dream,
dead-end country roads where cops won't interrupt some serious necking.
Get the feeling yet that I'm lecturing from experience?
Of course I am. I rarely dated anyone my own age because not only was it
cooler to date upper classmen, it guaranteed my access to great parties,
places, experiences. Thanks to these boys - who I'm sure all now reside
in our penitentiary system - I tried pot when I was fifteen, drank beer half a
decade before it would be legal, skipped school (I was the master of the forged
note), snuck out routinely after Ozzie & Harriet were in bed and engaged in
enough backseat bingo sessions that my Mother would probably still ground my
ass for a year should she find out.
(Note to parents: Don't be lulled into security by appearances. I was a
straight A, teacher's pet, theater student, not a sleezy, skank dressing
slacker.)
Do I look back and wish my parents had been more difficult to deceive, more
astute in their character assessments of my suitors? Are you crazy?
Granted I came through unscathed, but I'm glad I dabbled in older boys and the
corruption they can wield. It was exciting, I felt grown up and for brief
moments in time, "in love forever". Plus, I figure my
experiences will make an excellent reference guide when my daughters are picked
up by those older, "love of their lives", Mr. Right Nows.
My advice to those boys? Wear a cup, your nads are on notice.
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